I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
