Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
