he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
