I met the friendliest cop last night
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I am never drinking with the goths again.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
