neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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