So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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