Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
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