I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
