mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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