i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
