Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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