so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
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