i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I won't apologize to a one balled man
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
