I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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