My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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