I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
