Me too!
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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