On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
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