bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
They took my balls.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
