At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
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My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
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You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
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