Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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