2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
