listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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