Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
