He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Randomize
