Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
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