is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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