nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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