when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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