it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize
