1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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