I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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