Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
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