He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
