I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
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I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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