I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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