I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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