It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
