Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
