Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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