he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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