you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
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