dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Randomize
