I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Randomize
