Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Randomize
