I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
