So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
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