i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
