I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
