I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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