Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
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I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
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Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
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