i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Randomize
