it's too hot outside to masturbate.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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