I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
