You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
