Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
