i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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