I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
