I am spending my child support on dildos
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
