Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Randomize
